CRACKING - HALLOWEEN WEEKEND

Bar to bar, nightclub to nightclub, aimlessly. This ain't it. I keep falling asleep in each place and waking to a bouncer kicking me out. The only memory I have of the drinking part of this night is the bar maids of a venue dressed up in black angel costumes, offering free shots. I wanna know the guys their blowing.Stared and stared and stared looking like a creep sat in the corner just stella-in-hand staring. I'm too pissed to attempt any game and decline when one of them plucks up the courage to offer me a shot. No one in this place wants to take me home and fuck. So, my head bends down into my arms, eyes close, dreams invade and once again a bouncer wakes me and takes me to the entrance, his hand grabbing, pulling my collar. Another guy who takes a small incident far too serious. I don't know whether he's just trying to look dominant, what a prat. Now walking more, walk more until I meet Jodie. She only has five bottom teeth and the first thought that comes to mind when seeing this mouth is what getting head from her feels like. It must be good, just gums and lips, an empty mouth to prod your dick around in with no risk of biting. Jodie wants to go buy weed and I'm drunk; I feel like smoking something too. She phones up someone and we start going, walking for ages in the rain. Getting lost but eventually making it to the destination. Jodies asks for twenty quid and I give it to her maybe a bad, drunk decision. I've got a mate on speed dial just in case things go sour. We wait around at a bus stop. Jodie tells me to go behind a tree as I'm not one of the usuals, I comply, kinda stressing, scanning for big leafs in case I shit myself due to nervousness. Two people approach her, I'm peeking from the tree, they talk for a minute then head off the way they came. Assuming the deals done I head back over to the bus stop and ask for my bit. Jodie acts weird, and says cowardly 'i got somethin a lil stronger' I go 'what what you got', no response 'jodie what you got, tell me'. A little thing comes from her joggers, a real tiny white substance wrapped up in cling film. 'whats that' 'crack' 'lemme try some' 'you sure' 'yeah'. Crackpipe gets loaded. Puff away. It's a good high makes me feel complete. The crack went quick we go to pick up more, this time I actually met the plug some girl who was obviously shotting for a man. Got more. Jodie bumped into Katie Ka a friend of hers not really friends more like friends when either one of them has a drug on them. Katies with a guy named Fortune. Fortune and I get talking and realise why the fuck are we here. It comes down to me and him being two guys who are bored and fed up of day to day, so we assume a weekend crack binge will switch this up. But that lifestyle becomes just as routine as the normal. Katie and Fortune are crashing at someone elses house, we all head there. On the way we make a stop outside a flat we hunch down here. As we are going to a place Fortune and Katie has sorted, they now get to smoke a bit of our stuff. I pass the pipe to fortune, he smokes, Katie Ka asking for her turn with it. He won’t let up until she gives him a kiss, “gimme a kiss bby”, “no pipe for you if you don’t gimme a kiss”, crackhead katie ka gives him dirty looks, oh how the tables have turned. He gets the kiss, I wonder what crackhead tastes like, maybe like the petrol taste from the pipe? Now at the small two floored place, surrounding houses are the exact same in style. We knock then hear barking A lady opens up then just walks back through the hallway, she looks rundown pufferjacket and joggers on. She puts the dog in another room, it’s a big beast, gets set off my new people a solid guard, you need a thing like that for this lifestyle. The lady is weird towards Jodie and me I don’t think she wants us here. But we offer some our crack and she becomes alright with our presence. The place is completely barren of furniture and personality, a complete dead zone. Moving to the living room a TV stands in the centre of the it, hoodies layed on the floor to sit on. There’s some guy in the corner of the room, I think his name is Adam, no real acknowledgement of eachother is made. Him and the lady are cuddly. We set up station on the TV stand. Pick apart bit of crack now getting mixed with a brown substance, load it up, smoke, repeat for each person. I question what the brown bit is knowing in my head it must be heroin, they confirm it is. Halloween weekend is just that, crack, drink, crack, with some heroin smoked to keep you straight. No eating because you physically can't. It ends with no money left and going for my last pickup with Jodie and others. We start out heading to one guys (dealer for Jodie) apartmemt located near a YMCA I know the area well. We walk through the flat building door that doesn't need to be buzzed or nothing then knock on his door. The guy who answers is a man of forty with hair only on the back and sides of his head. A disused face. He wears a short sleeve t-shirt with tattered jeans. With a "hello" to each of us we are all in. The apartment itself is completely overgrown with house plants, you'd think the guy was some kinda hippy tripper until you see the fucking star map of needle marks on his arm. We all have a smoke in the apartment and slink around the kitchen. My mouths getting real dry, so i fuck around with the defunt tap for a bit and get a mouthful of water out of it. The guy doesn't have anything no crack no smack. But he gives Jodie a different number to try. We leave and walk. A memory hits me from when we were walking down here earlier of Jodie and Katie tryna get my card details, I think they were. Jodie asked for my long card number saying something like "imma send you sum money for buyin that bit earlier" "oh yeah cheers" i remember handing her the card as i was high and couldn't focus or be asked to read numbers. I feel like she knew this, knew my state of mind, she's been in it a lot of times. Jodie held it up, Katie moved round infornt of her I think tryna see the three digits on the back. I preed this and snatched it back "cheeky" i laughed. I was falling in to there company, i liked knowing they didn't really care about me but they did when they realised I had a bit of money to spend. However, they weren't sly tryna get it which i like. Memory over. We arrive at an alley to some tracksuited guy on a bike whos wondering who the fuck Iam or what Iam. The deal ensues. Jodie reaches for a note in her pocket and its not there,she starts screaming and shouting. Two of us trail back the way we came to see if its been dropped earlier. Jodie catches up starts accusing really starts screaming at Katie Ka. I run, although I didn't take the note. The screaming is just the worst noise. Sprinting now all back through the allies, now on open ground I throw up from running. Too much, too quick. No girlfriends, no parents, no horror films, no psychogical shit, nodebt. Nothing will ever scare me as much as a crackhead losing a twenty.

Addicts are so out of touch, out of touch with the streets even though they live amongst it all. The way they walk straight out into roads, the way they hideout in flat builidings. Self awareness zero. Drugs and people don't work. The drug plain is much broader than the reality and unhealthy for anyone trying to explore it. Even when you do explore it, you reach nothing revolutionary that would actually change your day to day life. The majoirty of people are calm when sober, in the middle, middle-of-the-road, addicts are not, with big highs and lows. Imagine not being able to be calm when sober, that must kill a person and it does.

YARDLEY RIO ONE WEEK EARLIER IN NOTTINGHAM

With the rancid smell still within my sinuses, I cling to the rapid fleeting MDMA high. Emmas nearly asleep by this point so it's another long night of Artois keeping me from putting a bullet in my brain. Nottingham is an interesting place, not from diversity but the sheer lack of it. Tired middle aged men slaving their meaningless 9-5 and tired students walk side by side. Although they don't notice each other, I cant but see the huge correlation, these people are scared to be with no direction, cowardice can extinguish creativity. The high has totally dissipated by now and as fast as my pupils shrink, faster that cold familiar sense of existential dread creeps into my subconscious. God I need a drink. The silence of the 3AM hour is broken by some cunt getting filled up next door. I look to the speaker for some solace but realise it was the same cunt who took it earlier. Well everyone in this accommodation is getting filled except for me. They all have boyfriends back home, it won't last. What else will distract these people from the incessantly dull lectures than a beer and a quickie. Meant to go Oceans club tomorrow. A place where their claim to fame is that their carpet tested positive for chlamydia. In other words, a place for me. I’ll have to share with the sea of 5’10 clearly closeted rugby boys but I think I'm just gonna have to brave it. The only clothes I have is the leather on my back and they weren’t sourced fucking local. But with my heart pumping the beers through my veins, my distorted mind can't help but be focused on the fairer gender, I reckon I can stick it out. But it’s nice being away from the hometown, I used to somewhat regret my uninterest, (alcoholism) sabotaging my college experience but now I cherish the fact. The stress, panic and consequent debt from the people i've met here tells enough about the idea of a career path, fucking misery. I don’t think I'll stay long. I can feel any originality I have being drained from my body. Ellie the neighbour came past me outside during a well needed fag. We shared the blem and some conversation and now she’s currently in the room half naked. Perhaps originality isn't too bad a sacrifice. The sun leaking through the blinds woke me, the rolled notes and empty cans bring me back to last night’s grotesque activities. It’s 2PM and the flat is oddly silent once again. I roll out of bed ready for the pub, Emma groans declining my offer. Her comedown not allowing her to fathom the taking of any more substances. Drinking alone again within not even 12 hours, this isn't what unis about. I JUST COMMITED INCEST. Not really but it feels that way. Another sacrifice of another long term friend for some noddy. Regret envelopes every fibre of my being. Just joking, that's the poor soul on the receiving end. I find this hilarious. A confined room, plenty of booze and some slightly shameful game. It was bound to happen. Time for another beer, She's already on the pingers. I just hope that my performance warrants another few nights here. Four hours until we will be in the club. I started the pre’s early, as these days I put no trust in spirit drinking. Although the quicker and cheaper process that it is, the only thing worse than being in Nottingham is being in a cell in nottingham. It’s bound to kick off due to the demographic of absolute mugs in this area. So beer it is. I haven’t eaten in days and with every swig I take I feel the slow sore burn against the battered walls of my stomach as the backdrop from all this dirt i’ve been putting in my system has withered the lining. We get to the club by taxi, I swing open the door for the girls and then hop in the front and we pull away. In Between the small talk with the driver he notices the rollie I have behind my ear, undoing the window and gesturing for me to spark it. As my head turns to him he retracts his hand to continue what he was doing which I previously didn’t notice, knees on the wheel steering and fingers deep in his baccy pouch rolling. Fair play. I light my fag. Such a rare but in this case a blessed occurrence as 16 inches behind my ears were four girls screeching some shitty lyrics. And my only relief being the ciggy hissing to my lips.